Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I’ve decided to try and find god again
not through church or religion
or hallucinogenic drugs
(I’ve never believed in those pathways,
however dreadful or entertaining)
but through a simple practice
of meditation
trying to still the ever wild mind
maybe it’s not god that I’m looking for
but something other than myself
something that has no connection to this chaotic world
it must be silence that I’m after
and maybe god
not man or woman or beloved child
is just silence.
so I got into bed
leaned up against the wall
and crossed my legs
closed my eyes and looked into the blackness
and I tried to think of nothing
but you can’t really think of nothing
because even that is a thought
so I found myself fending off thoughts
protecting a thoughtlessness that
for all intensive purposes
I have never known
only when you try and sit still
and you tell your mind to quiet down
only then can you really understand
that there’s an ever present whirlwind
of bullshit thoughts
spinning around in your head.
first I thought of the bathroom at the bar where I work
I pictured the tiles on the walls
decades old
how terribly hideous they looked
blank and bland and with no sort of style
I thought about how the bathroom would look much better
if there were a few markers left in there
and people got to write graffiti on the walls
if the tiles were just covered in little ditties
rhymes and curses and warnings
like the bathrooms in old rock venues
back when free thought was not only tolerated
but almost encouraged.
then I thought of writing
I thought, Why am I sitting here doing this?
Why am I trying to still my mind?
I’ve already determined that writing is my ticket
the words are my way to mental salvation and freedom.
from there I went onto rock climbing
I’ve never completed a 5-10c
suddenly I was picturing myself bouldering
when suddenly the boulder seemed right in front of me
right in front of my mind’s vision of nothing
no problem
I simply thought my way out of there
I thought about a cross country motorcycle trip
and then about patriotism
how mine compares to the average American
I don’t leave my flag out in the rain like some people do
but then I don’t have it hanging outside, either
it’s inside by my desk
and it flutters in the breeze of my window fan
wait, which Patriot was at that party yesterday?
the one with the motorboats and the slip and slide
where the rapper named Knuckles
was supposedly going to perform
and what about the girl on that couch
was she single?
she sure was pretty with those nice tits
and then that girl who came into the bar last night
I could have looked at her license picture for fifteen minutes
I wonder how long I’ve been sitting here
trying to still my mind- shit!
stop thinking!
no thoughts!
and in this way a thousand thoughts
went through my head
trying to still my mind was like going out into a thunderstorm
trying to stay dry by holding a paper cup over my head
and the thoughts continued
because that is what the mind does
it thinks
and as soon as it thought of a frozen raspberry margarita
my alarm clock went off
and I got up
went down to the kitchen
and now here I am
with the margarita finished
the thoughts of god and silence still only thoughts
and the words
as always
my best company

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