I HAD MY MOMENTS
I was sittin’ in there
Workin’ on a bottle of whiskey,
Slingin’ the bull with Cam the bartender,
Swapping tales of doom,
And just letting the day go by.
And then in they walked
Two drinks of water
One much louder than the other
They sat down next to me
And the loud one said,
“what are we drinking today, boss?”
I always hated when a man called me boss.
It reminded me of work
And I was never a fan.
I stared at him for a moment
And went back to my drink.
“well, somebody’s not in a good mood,”
He said to his friend. Then, noticing Cam,
He mumbled, “well, well. check out the ass on her.
I’d like to stick it right up in there
and make it bleed.”
They both laughed hard at this,
And the louder one faked a drum roll,
And then the smashing of a cymbal.
It wasn’t my business,
What they said to one another
But Cam was a friend of mine,
a damn good one at that,
and you never liked to hear a guy
Talk about a friend like that.
Cam walked up to them,
Forced a smile onto her face,
And tossed a couple coasters
On the bar in front of them.
“so, what can I get you boys today?”
The two looked at each other and giggled
And then the louder one flicked his coaster
Right off the bar and onto the floor,
And said to Cam, “oops. you can start
by bending over and picking up that coaster.”
Cam looked over to me and I shook my head.
“IT MUST BE ONE HELL OF A JOB,” I said to myself,
“BEING A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.”
I tried to keep my cool
Because Cam had twice told me
it was better that way.
She turned back to the two fools,
Said to the louder one,
“I’ll pretend you didn’t just say that,
And give you one more chance to order a drink.”
The louder one put on the offended tough guy act,
Backing up a step and saying, “woooo!”
And then he looked over to me and said,
“or else Mr. Bad Attitude over here
Will get angrier than he already is, right?”
After saying this,
Just like after everything else he’d said,
He looked to his friend for encouragement.
His friend nodded and smiled and said, “yeah, right?”
When the louder one turned back to me
To see what I thought about his humor,
I gave him a good, hard once over,
Leaned in towards him
so that he leaned in towards me,
and I said softly, “get the hell outta here.”
Then I sat back up and returned to my drink.
He thought for a minute,
Then looked to his friend for more encouragement,
And finally said to me, “or what?”
I finished my drink and waited a moment,
Then said all calm and cool,
“well, first, I’ll kick yer fuckin’ ass.”
And then I turned to the quiet one
And stared hard right into his eyes
So that he blinked and wanted to look away.
And then I turned back to the louder one and said,
“and then I’ll do it again.”
There was a long silence
While the louder one sized me up.
I wasn’t much bigger or stronger,
But I had the look like I could take a real beating
And get back up for another round,
And do this over and over again.
The quieter one shook in his seat.
I could tell that neither were scrappers,
Just liked to flirt with the idea of a fight
Every once in a while.
Finally they both got up
And walked their asses out of the bar.
As soon as the door had closed,
Cam burst out into a fit of laughter,
Supporting herself by putting both her hands
On the bar in front of her.
When she found moments in between her giggles,
She squawked, “first I’ll kick yer fuckin’ ass...
...and then I’ll do it again! Jesus, Jack.
Where do you come up with that stuff?”
I smiled and chuckled and said to her,
“I got my moments, baby, I really do.
Now how about another whiskey and water.”