NEVER HAD HER

she texted me
IM DRINKING WANT TO JOIN ME

and what can you ever say to that?

she was too drunk to drive
so I got into my jeep
picked her up and brought her back to my place
where the heat and electricity were
still working
despite the storm.

we sat in the living room for hours
until maybe 3 AM
she, with her flask of whiskey
me, nursing beers.

we talked about writing
and newspapers
casual sex
and ex girlfriends.

we talked about the days on Edgewood Drive
when she hated me
because when I came over to hang out
with my buddy, her housemate
I’d come blasting through the door
shouting and laughing
and we’d ravage the fridge
trash the place
and go back out into the night
shouting and laughing.

we talked about an old friend
who now and then
would try to kill himself
and we wondered if he’d since succeeded.

we talked about everything.

and after we were finished
she walked home
and I laid down in my bed
closed my eyes
knowing sleep was either
days or a bottle away
and my stomach wouldn’t take the liquor.

so I just remained there in bed
thinking about our conversations
about our past.

about her.

thinking about how maybe she was the one
who got away

even though I never had her
to begin with